The service for FREE SPEECH will be held tomorrow in the Chapel on campus. Although the Chapel is a building held in disdain by many professors and students, it was the only place that would allow her service to be held.
FREE SPEECH was born several millennia ago in Athens, Greece at the Socratic School. There she was taught about forming cohesive and logical arguments and debating them with others. She spent her early years on Mars Hill where for centuries men with different philosophical ideas shared their thoughts. Even the Apostle Paul went to Mars Hill to share his beliefs on the invisible God whom the Athenians worshipped.
After several centuries FREE SPEECH decided she wanted to travel the world. She tried to be admitted to many different countries but she was not allowed in because of the danger she posed to the minds of their citizens. Almost all of the countries that allowed her in eventually treated her badly. She was imprisoned from time to time because various emperors, kings and dictators hated her ideas and wanted to silence her.
She found a friend in the United States in the 1700’s and came to spend much of her time here. She was healthy and strong until the late 1980’s when she contracted the virus Unpopularity. She thought this virus was benign but it actually opened her immune system up to another more virulent virus called Political Correctness. That virus turned out to be malignant and though it didn’t kill her immediately, she was in ill health after contracting it.
Due to her illness, she was rarely seen on campus after the turn of the 21st Century and few professors or students knew she actually existed. She lived in a back room at the library where she had been exiled by those in Academia. Because so few people came in to read and study, she was seen only rarely by a handful of students. Those that did know of her existence were afraid to talk about her for fear of reprisals.
She died quietly on campus one day when Political Correctness placed a small amount Group Think in her water glass. No one noticed she had expired as she had not been out of the library for well over a decade. When we heard of her demise we sent in a Pathologist to confirm our suspicions. He was able to make a positive ID on her and so we have decided to hold a memorial in her honor.
She is survived by her first cousins: INDEPENDENT THOUGHT and CRITICAL THINKING. Other close relatives include: ROBUST DEBATE AND INTELLECTUAL INQUIRY. Her best friend LADY LIBERTY will conduct the service and her husband COURAGE will speak on her behalf.
In lieu of flowers, those who knew FREE SPEECH believe her preference would be for each of you to go to a library and read the book of your choice (yes, even a Bible if you want to) and share the ideas you’ve learned with someone.
There will be plenty of parking behind the Chapel as only a few on campus knew she existed at all and will be attending. She will not be missed by many at the college as she was always a thorn in the sides of her professors and most students were afraid to associate with her.
Hope to see you tomorrow!